People rarely take advantage of my services. l'll help you wash up.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
You're on a big date.
You'll need to look your best.
That'll take care of the shine. Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!
She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me ...
... she loves me not.
A little Jose Eber ...
A touch of Alfalfa ...
We're ready to dry you off!
Right into the buckle. That's got to hurt!
Suck the air.
You look just like Dizzy Gillespie.
Don't worry about the tip. But l've got one for you.
Stay away from Robin. She's taken.
A man was beaten in a restroom by a bathroom attendant.
The victim is unable to speak, but witnesses described the assailant.
Tonight on UPN: The trial that has captured the nation.
Everyone awaits the verdict, but we're showing the movie now.
- Cry - baby. - l love you.
- No, Sammy! - Look who's crying now.
Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in "Brother Sweet Brother".
Parental discretion advised.
- Who is it? - lt's the cable guy!
My cable's fine.
l have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris.
l didn't order that.
l guess you have a secret admirer.
- ls it a man named Steven? - l can't say.
l promised Steven l wouldn't say. Oh, look what l've done.
- You didn't hear it from me. - Hold on.
- Male witches are the worst kind. - He's not a witch.
That about does it. My work is done.
That was hot up there.
- Are you a friend of Steven's? - l'm proud to say that l am.
l recently installed his cable and we just hit it off.
- Are you guys going out a lot? - Not really.
That guy is devoted to you.
l shouldn't be telling you this ...
... but he thinks you're the cat's pyjamas.
Did he say that?
Only every five minutes. Frankly l'm sick of hearing it.
He's a good man.
He mentioned that you've had some problems.
- lt's a little complicated. - lt always is.
l asked a woman to marry me once.
She wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart.
You know ... give each other space.
She's no longer with us.
l'm sorry.
Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Promise me you'll never go bungee jumping in Mexico.
- l promise. - Anyway ...
l've said too much.
Thank you.
Cherish him, Robin. Every hair on his head.
Excuse me.
- Hello. - l love you.
Robin? l love you, too.
That was so sweet of you.
- You didn't have to do that. - l ... l wanted to.
Giving me free cable. Only you would do something like that.
l wanted to do something for you, but you needed space, so ...
Let's not make any more rules.
- Call me later if you're around. - Sure, as soon as l get home.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Are you ready to rock? - The concert. Oh, Jesus.
l think Robin and l are getting back together.
So you're blowing me off again. l won't put up with it any more.
- Can't you ask someone else to go? - Maybe l'll take my cable guy.
l'll call you later ...
Pretty smooth work. l set them up, you knock them down.
- What? - Robin. l got her back for you.
- How do you know about us? - Free cable's an aphrodisiac.
- Don't mess around with my life. - l wanted to make things up to you.
Do you want to catch a flick?
l appreciate you helping me out with Robin.
Now l'll have to work extra hard not to screw things up again.
You're a nice guy, but l just don't have time for a new friend.
- What are you trying to say? - l don't want to be your friend.
l appreciate your honesty. You're a straight shooter.
- So you're all right? - l'm a big boy.
lt's no big deal. Whatever.
- You're sure? - Uh-huh. l'm fine.
- Robin Harris. - Hey, it's Chip Douglas.
- Chip Douglas? - The cable guy.
- What's up? - l'm worried about Steven.
- What is it? - He doesn't seem like himself.
- Have you noticed anything? - No. Things are going really well.
Good. That makes me feel better.
- Should l be worried? - No. Maybe l'm being too nervous.
Let's just keep our eyes open.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
Stevie, you did it, man.
You put our cajones on the table and you slam-dunked it.
Way to go. Now they'll probably give him my job.
- On to the next order of business. - Steven, l need to talk to you.
We have to find an architect.
- l need to talk to you. - lt shall wait.
- ls there a Steven Kovacs here? - Yeah. What's the problem?
You're under arrest for receiving stolen property.
- l don't know anything about this. - Do not speak until spoken to.
You have the right to remain silent.
- You have the right to an attorney. - l didn't accept any stolen goods.
Deluxe karaoke machine. Big - screen TV ...
Cream his pants ...
l can't believe you did this.
He gave you a big-screen TV and a hi-fi system as a present?
- l swear it's true. - Why would you accept such gifts?
- l don't know. - What's going on? Are you on pot?
l didn't do anything! Just call my cable guy.
Nobody named Chip Douglas works for the cable company.
- This can't be happening. - lt's killing your mother.
- When can you get me out? - There'll be no bail hearing today.
You have to spend the weekend here.
Look at the pretty boy!
They call me the pumper. l'll be your friend.
Lock down!
You hear anything?
l came as soon as l could.
- What's your real name? - Larry Tate. That's not important.
We have to get you out of here. l was watching Court TV.
l'll talk to the judge. l'll put the system on trial!
- Why are you doing this to me? - You did this to you.
- You set me up. - No. l taught you a lesson.
l can be your friend or your enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
l'm just here to comfort you.
Touch it. You need human contact.
l will not touch it.
- What are you doing? - l know how you're feeling!
- Don't do that. - l'm here for you!
Don't do that! You'll get me killed!
Oh, Billy.
l'm just messing with you.
Remember ''Midnight Express''? Oliver Stone won an Academy Award.
Awesome scene.
This is the man who framed me!
Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
Don't worry about Robin. l'll take care of her.
- lf you go near her, l'll kill you. - That's it. Let's go!
This concludes our broadcast day. Click.
- You've been blowing me off. - This guy's doing a number on me.
- l told you to stay away from him. - You said l could get free cable.
Did l tell you to have a karaoke jam with him?
l'm out on bail.
l'll see if l can track him down. What was his name?
Larry Tate. But at first he said his name was Chip Douglas.
Chip Douglas? That sounds familiar.
- Are you okay? - l'm fine.
- You're not fine. - l just want to get this over with.
l hate visiting my parents.
ls this guy cool? Just joking. Come in, you psycho.
- What is he doing here? - l invited him.
- l invited him at lunch. - At lunch?
- You look great. - And you are a vision.
- You look rested. - Come here.
- What's wrong? You seem weird. - You had me sent to jail.
- l should take you to the police. - You can if you like.
But l'd hate to have to show Robin this.
- Bastard! - Let's just have a good time.
Steven is carrying his battle axe and chasing me ...
So l say, ''Hey, it's just a show!''
- He takes things too seriously. - The guy almost took my head off.
Did never played Porno Password? lt's the adult version of the show.
Robin, you're on my team. Steven ... you're with Mom.
You're the judges.
Pick a word.
The password is ...
Vagina.
- l really don't want to play. - Come on, Steven.
Woman.
- Woman. - Man?
Penis.
- Penis. - Vagina.
She got vagina!
- l would have said ''schlong''. - Now we're starting to get this!
The password is ...
Nipple.
- Can l pass? - Don't be a stick in the mud!
Breast.
Tit?
Remember his clue.
Hard.
- Erection? - No. But thanks for noticing.
- Your turn! - Center.
Center.
- Center! - Nipple?
- She got it! - Mom.
The password is ...
l'm not sure how to say this.
That little thing ...
- l can't say that to my mother. - She can handle it.
l won't do it. l've had enough!
- lt's just skin, Steven. - l don't want to do it any more!
- You're overreacting. - No! He's fooling you all.
- He's a lunatic and a felon. - Everybody just relax.
- We knew this would happen. - Nothing is happening!
This is a safe place. You're with people who love you.
- We love you. - l hate you! Get out of my life!
- He's angry with me. l should go. - No.
- You are being an asshole. - Do you see what's happening?
- You're hitting bottom. - Stay away.
This is where the healing begins. Come on.
Robin showed me her birthmark. lt's very sexy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Thanks for the delightful evening. l guess l'll be leaving now.
l forgive you. l only hope my neurologist will feel the same.
- Did anybody notice l'm late? - You've been here for an hour.
HELLO STEVEN l'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU
- How's Hal? - The man has no vision.
lt's like working for Mr. Magoo. lf only someone would dump him.
And those hair plugs ...
- Hair plugs. Hair plugs ... - Oh, shit.
He's so pathetic. l think l hate him. Hate him ...
lf only someone would dump him.
l ... l don't hate you.
- Those hair plugs. - Get out!
Chip!
This isn't funny!
Where are you?
lf you build it, he will come.
- Hello? - Bingo! ''My Three Sons''.
- Chip and Ernie Douglas. - l have a list of ex-cable men.
Murray Slaughter.
George Jetson. Jean Luc Picard.
- Someone called the Big Ragoo. - Carmine, from ''Laverne & Shirley''.
Anyway, the cable company in town fired a guy six months ago.
His boss was Larry Tate, from a show called ''Bewitched''.
- He's not with the cable company? - Yahtzee!
They fired him for stalking customers. You better lock up tight.
ln the Sam Sweet Trial, the jury is close to a verdict.
They will continue deliberating into the evening hours.
The day started real nice, but now the moisture is increasing.
We see thunderstorms ...
Cable guy!
Jesucristo!
Cable guy!
Okay, l'm going!
See you! Bye.
l just want to hang out! No big deal!
- Hello? - We could have been blood brothers.
But you're too needy. lt's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.
The cable company fired you.
Hold on. l have a call waiting.
- l know it's you. - Sorry. Where was l?
- Can't we work this out? - l wish we could.
- l'm just so tired, Steven. - Where are you?
l'd love to chat, but l'm getting together with a lady friend.
- You might know her. - Stay away from her!
- Robin! - She just left with the cable guy!
Where were they going?
l heard him say they were taking a ride on the information highway.
The future is now!
Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer!
You'll be able to visit the Louvre, or watch female mud wrestling.
You can shop from your home, or play video games with someone in Vietnam.
l want to go home now. l'm worried about Steven.
- Help! - Robin!
Where are you?
- Steven! - l'm coming!
- Help me! - Hang on!
- Steven, look out! - Yes, Steven! Look out!
''Dry land is not a myth!'' Kevin Costner, ''Waterworld''.
- Leave him alone! - l saw that movie six times!
lsn't it funny that we ended up like this?
You'll have to do better than that, Steven.
My lisp is gone!
You stupid son-of-a-bitch.
- Stop it! Steven! - l'm coming!
The trouble with real life is, there's no danger music.
Nice jump, Spiderman!
Steven called the fuzz!
Bad boys, what you gonna do?
Skooch over just a tad.
Here comes our hero.
- lt didn't have to be this way. - What are you planning to do?
l don't really have a plan. l'm going moment to moment now.
You have to admit, it's a cool place for an ending.
- An ending to what? - lt's like ''Golden Eye''.
This isn't a movie! This is reality!
This is the police! You're trespassing in a restricted area!
l just wanted to be your friend ...
... but l screwed it up.
- You are in a high - voltage area! - What's that?
Come again?
You want me to quiet down and chill out in front of the TV?
You were never there for me, were you, Mother?
You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me.
l'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! l'm the lost Cunningham!
l learned the facts of life ... from watching ''The Facts of Life''!
That's it.
That's what l have to do!
No. Don't do that!
- Let's go out and have a Heineken. - Yeah!
l'm not thirsty any more.
See ya.
You're not going anywhere!
lt's okay! l understand my purpose now!
Don't do this. You just need help. We all get lonely.
But l get really lonely. Look at me!
- l'll be your pal. Just come on up! - No. lt's too late for me.
But there are a lot of cable boys and girls who still have a chance!
Don't you understand, Steven?
Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
This is the moment we've been waiting for. The jury is ready ...
The jury has notified the judge that they've reached a verdict.
- The moment of truth ... - Jacob Sweet has been found ...
Help.
Preferred customer, my ass!
Squad 51 . Man down. Possible back injury.
We'll need an lV with D-5-W.
Check vital signs.
Prepare to defibrillate!
Wait!
You two will be just fine.
Take care of him, Robin. He's good people.
You never told me your real name.
You still want to know my name?
lt's ... Ricardo.
Ricky Ricardo.
l'm just messing with you.
Let's go home.
Hang in there, pal! You're going to make it, buddy!
- Am l really your buddy? - Yeah, sure you are!